Todd Webb

Don't Know, Don't Care

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Money & God

Upon moving into my own single-family home, I was immediately and routinely visited by people I didn't know.  They wanted to sell me stuff, wanted me to donate money to worthy charities, wanted me to switch to their church.

One such visit came from two young men in pressed black pants and perfectly pressed white shirts (but no jackets -- never jackets).

As soon as I realized what they wanted, I said, "Psfshaw! Thanks, but I have a God," and I closed the door in their faces.

Just before the door slammed shut the man said back to me, "I hope it's the same one!"

This pissed me off more than words can describe.  They interupted my afternoon nap.  Anyone could see through the fishbowl front window that I was unconscious in the La-Z-Boy right by the front door.  These guys (or their bretheren) walked down our street every 3 weeks or so.  I'm agnostic.  But they didn't know that.  They just assumed that whatever God I worshipped was inferior to their God.

I was supremely ticked off.  And by the time I decided to open my door again and share my thoughts, they were gone.  I decided the next time they visited me (in about 3 weeks) I was going to open my door, and without warning kick the guy square in the balls.  I wondered how strong my legs were.  I wondered how high I might lift him off the ground, with my kick, via his testicles.

Three days later I was still wondering these things.  And I realized, 'Oh my God, I'm actually going to kick one of those guys in the balls.  I'm so livid I'm going to do it.'

Considering this, I opted to put this sign in my door.  Mind you, the sign was not designed to chase people away.  No, it was designed to keep my ass out of jail -- by virtue of chasing these guys away.

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It has been resoundingly successful.  Only once in eight years has someone knocked on my door trying to sell me something.  Idiot.

Of all the virtues of my home and of all the nice things I own, this sign is what I am most complimented on.  I highly recommend it.  Of course, it is taped to the inside of the window so that no passersby can remove it.  The only catch is, I must remember to cover it up Holloween night!

You never know where life is going to take you.